Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
A flock of dads is called a grill.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
U talkin 2 me?
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART