Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
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Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up