Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.