Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.