Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
This is what makes twitter great
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion