my one true gender
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“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
“i miss shittin on people”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…