I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”