My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
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Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*limbos under the caution tape
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Two types of dogs.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.