My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
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shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.