The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
constantly working on myself.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors