“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
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“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.