Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Growing out my freckles.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Unexpected Judgment
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.