[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
You Might Also Like
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Coffee is ready.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good