50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
LA today:
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
No way!
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?