I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.