[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
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‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.