Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Pretty much! 😂👀
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead