Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
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🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.