If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
You Might Also Like
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
back to work
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Facebook memories be like
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE