At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
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My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
bro what is going on at twitter
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.