Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.