LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?