March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.