I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
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Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.