How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
❤️❤️❤️
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”