“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.