i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
rich people when they have to pay taxes
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster