If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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Day 2 of my diet
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.