Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
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Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My dog learned how to text
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.