Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
You Might Also Like
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
We’re all getting idioter.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY