[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
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If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
There’s always that one guy
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?