If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
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I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I’m about to risk it all
Mountain Goat : )
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for