Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
What personal space?
My dog
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.