Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.