witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
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Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[eulogy]
line?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police