love pickles so much i put myself in one
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Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?