The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
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Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?