I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
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ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]