Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful