I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
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*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
set yourself free xox
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.