In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
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Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?