Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.