*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
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My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.