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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.