So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
San Francisco has too many rules
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz