Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.