Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?