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‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.