“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.