Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
SCARY COSTUME
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I wish this was real life…